The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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