I hate your face
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
