At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
