It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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