So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
