I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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