we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
So apparently I’m into choking now
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
