Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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