You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
