I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
