Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
