i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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