I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
