Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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