have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
