I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
