I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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