Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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