I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
