remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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