Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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