A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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