Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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