I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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