come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize