And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
pray to the hookup gods
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
tell me about the fingering
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