I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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