I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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