is your mom at the bar?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
