I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
they're like a gay fantastic four
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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