The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
