Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
