I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
