I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
