I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
