Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Is Oprah even human
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
