i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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