the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Dignity is for republicans.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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