So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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