my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
