Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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