??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
