Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
