Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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