he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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