we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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