I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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