The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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