yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
