Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
