this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
