Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
