did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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