Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
