So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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