I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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