hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
