I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
